


I'm Castiel

by imamotherfuckingstarlord



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Winchester - Freeform, F/M, Human Castiel, Love Triangle, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Supernatural - Freeform, castiel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-07-24 06:56:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7498518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imamotherfuckingstarlord/pseuds/imamotherfuckingstarlord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are in love with the fallen angel Castiel, but when a witch casts a spell on him, it causes him to have no recollection of who you are. Will you ever be able to get his memories of you back to him? Will you ever be able to tell him how you really feel? Or will the guy you met at a bar, Ryan be the one to help you move on?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You lounged on the bunker couch binge watching Orange is the New Black, the Winchesters and Castiel were on a hunt. Being an angel, you wanted to go, but Dean insisted that you stay behind and relax. The last hunt involved far too many demons and it took it’s toll on you. Resting your feet on the coffee table, the fourth episode of the third season came on, humming the opening song, you nestle into your blanket.  
“Y/N!” A booming voice erupts through the bunker, jumping up from the couch, blanket still wrapped around your body. The voice came from Sam, he was standing at the bunker door, holding it open. Rushing to the staircase, you see Dean holding up Cas in his arms.  
“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!” You run up the stairs, pushing Sam out of the way. The fallen angel’s eyes was closed, cupping his face in your hands, you glare up at the older Winchester. Dean’s eye were filled with guilt, you check to make sure Castiel was breathing, he was.  
“Take him to the couch” You ordered, watching the boys carry him down. Shutting your eyes closed, crying was not an option right now, you needed to heal your friend. He was the reason you were here with the boys. It had been years since you had been in contact with another angel, you had came down to earth and immersed into the human world. You lived a normal life, staying under the radar, but they had found you. Overzealous do gooder angels, you were either with them or dead. Being the rebel you were, it was death. But then Castiel appeared, the other angels took off when they realized they were no match between the two of you. He stood there in a tattered beige trench coat with a small smile on his face.  
“Thanks” You say, turning around to leave. You had spent years avoiding other angels, you weren’t going to start fraternizing now.  
“Wait. They will find you again.” The angel’s voice made you turn, he cocked his eyebrows, his shiny blue eyes pierced through you. You gave him a good look over, he was right. He felt your concerned and confusion, “I can help you keep safe. My friends can help” your eyes met his and you knew he was sincere. Sighing in resolution, you nod. Moving closer to him, you hold out your hand.  
“I’m Y/N” The blue eyed angel smiles, taking your hand in his, “I’m Castiel”. That was nearly a two years ago. You met the Winchesters, they took you in. You started helping them with hunts and researching. Castiel and you grew close, since you had more years on Earth then he did, you were there to answer any questions he had. Eventually, you fell in love with the angel, but kept it hidden, afraid it would ruin everything you had, the family you formed with the three men.  
You kneel at the couch, grabbing a hold of Castiel’s hand, “What happened?” You asked, putting two fingers against his forehead.  
Sam spoke up, “We went to hunt that witch, found her, but..” looking up at the tall man, his hazel eyes were apologetic, because he knew how you felt about Cas. He figured it out months ago, but didn’t say anything to Dean or Cas.  
“I told you I should have gone! Dammit Dean, I told you!” Dean’s face flinch at the sound of your angry tone. “It’s not working” You huffed, trying again to heal Castiel. “He doesn’t have his grace, you should have known better” your words came out too harsh and you knew it. You looked up at Dean, a stoic look upon his face, he just turned and walked away.  
“That was harsh” Sam’s voice wasn’t judgmental, but truthful.  
“I know. Fuck. But look at him” You touched the side of Castiel’s face, his chest was slowly heaving up and down. You tried again to heal him, but nothing. Sam stood over you, explaining what had happened. The three men had gone to the house where the witch was living at, busted inside, surrounded her. Everything was going as planned, Dean was getting ready to shoot her, when she quickly cast a spell in Castiel’s direction.“But he killed her?” Sam nodded to your question. You then asked if he remembered any words the witch had said, but he hadn’t.  
“We just have to wait until he wakes up” Dean appeared at the doorway, nursing a beer. You stand up and walk towards him.  
“I’m sorry. It’s not your fault, I needed someone to blame.” His green eyes met yours, giving you a small smile. You give him a hug, feeling him embrace you back. He pulls away and kisses you on the forehead. “I’m sorry, I should have protected him more. He’s human, I keep forgetting” Sighing you nod. Ever since Metatron, that massive asshole, stole Castiel’s grace and pretty much fucked heaven, Cas was human now. It made you want to protect him even more.  
“Guys” Sam yelled. Dean and you looked over, Cas was sitting up. You rushed to his side, his eyes were hazing.  
“How are you feeling?” You asked, smiling, glad to see him awake. He looked at you curiously,then looked over to Dean then Sam. “Dean, Sam” He says, you wait for him to say your name, but doesn’t. Dean shoots you a worried look, “Cas, you feel okay?”. Cas runs his hand through his hair, nodding yes, “Yeah I feel fine, um, who is this?” He ask Dean, looking at you, you can hear your heart drop. This time you can’t hold back tears, you move to get up from your knee, but you feel a hand on your arm.  
“Please don’t cry.” His blue eyes pierce through you. You look to Sam, his face is full of worry. Tears fall down your face. Sam comes next to you, putting an arm around your shoulder. He whispers that it’s going to be okay. He starts to lead you away from Castiel and towards the kitchen.  
“I’m Castiel, by the way” You turn, looking at the man on the couch. The man you loved, the man who did not even know your face. You wipe tears from your face and smile, “Hey Castiel, I’m Y/N”


	2. Free Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Winchesters, Castiel and you go on a hunt.

It had been a few weeks since Castiel had lost any memory of who you were. Spending countless hours, trying to figure out what spell the witch had used, gaining nothing but more questions. Dean suggest you’d go ask some angel’s about it, to which you huffed and complained that most angels were “assholes”, the older Winchester couldn’t argue with that. You sat in the library, doing research on your laptop when Sam strolled in. He smiled at you, letting you know he found a case a couple of hours away, a nest of vamps were causing trouble, asking if you wanted in. If it meant not having to be alone with Cas in the bunker, because it was becoming too painful, then you were going. The fallen angel was polite around you, but mostly stayed in his room. Sleeping wasn’t an issue for you, being an angel and all, but years being on Earth, you taught yourself to sleep. Now you just did it mostly to escape any thoughts of Castiel. Sam told you to be ready in an hour, pack for an overnight, just in case. You obligated, even though you knew you could just zap back home, but again, all your years on Earth, it felt normal to not zap yourself to places as often.  
Walking into your room, you grab a duffel bag and start packing. A small knock on the door halts your folding. Castiel is at the doorway, looking odd without his trench coat. He was wearing a maroon hoodie, shirt and jeans. His blue eyes look sad, but that wasn’t new. “Hey Cas, need something?” you motion for him to come in. He walked in slowly, moving slightly closer to you, but hesitating. You held a pair of jeans in your hand, continuing to fold them, waiting for the angel to talk.  
“Will you be going on the hunt with Sam and Dean?” his chapped lips made a small smile. You nod, saying you were packing just in case, then asking if he would be joining as well. Your question seemed to cause some sort of confusion with the angel, as he just stood there, thinking within himself. “Dean didn’t think it would be a good idea, but I want to”. Of course Dean didn’t want him to, not after what happened last time and not after how you reacted. But looking at the angel now, he looked lonely and lost, he needed a friend, needed someone on his side. Even though he couldn’t remember anything about you , still you wanted to be that person for him. “Screw him Cas, come if you want. He isn’t the boss, plus I’ll smite his ass if he says no” Castiel lets out a soft laugh, filling your heart up to the rim. It feels good to hear his deep laugh, but apart of you wants to die. You loved him for so long, regretting now, that you hadn’t told him sooner. Maybe he didn’t remember you, because you were simply not important enough for him. The thought alone, it made you want to smite yourself. You advise Cas to pack an overnight bag and be ready in thirty to leave. Watching him walk out the door, you finally are able to release the tears forming in your eyes.

Three hours later, you sat in the backseat with Castiel. Dean tried to argue that he should stay at the bunker, but Sam saw the death stare you were shooting at the older Winchester and told Dean to shut it. So the four of you took off in Baby, Castiel’s spirits seemed more lifted as he looked out the window. Dean begrudging let you play a Edgar Winter Group tape, you found at a second hand store. Free Ride was the first song to come on, Dean seemed to like it too, because he put the volume up.  
“The mountain is high, the valley is low. And you’re confused on which way to go. So I’ve come here to give you a hand. And lead you to the promise land..” you sing loudly to the song, sticking your hand out the wind, letting the air hit it hard and cold. Dean is tapping his fingers against the steering wheel and you can see Sam through the side mirror, smiling to himself. In the corner of your eye, Cas is looking at you and what seems to be a small smirk on his face appears. You wished he knew. Knew how much he meant to you. You let the music drown your thoughts, looking out to the road, anxiously wanting to get to the nest.

“Alright Cas, stick with Y/N. You’re safest with her” Dean ordered, leaving no room for any disagreements. Sam gave Cas and you sympathetic looks, but you knew it was for the best. You truly were the only one who could really protect him. The four of you split up, Sam and Dean took the front door, while Cas and you enter through the back door of the two story house. “You’ll be fine. I know you’re a tough son of a bitch” The words of encouragement made Castiel smile, made him feel more confident in his hunting abilities. He put a hand on your shoulder, the warmth spoke to you like an old friend. “Thank you, Y/N” his deep voice sang right into your ears. Smiling weakly at the man you loved, you motioned for him to follow. The house was dark, it was light out, so the vamps were most likely sleeping. The two of you moved together through the first floor, not a single vamp. Communication between the two of you was wordless, a single look from you and Cas knew what to do. A glance from him and you knew where to follow. Dean and Sam were most likely upstairs, so the two of you slowly ascend the stairs. You hear shuffling in the room directly across from the stairs, slowly creeping closer, you take a peek inside. There were at least 6 vamps, all surrounding the Winchesters. Your eyes met with hazel eyes, Sam quickly looked away, as to not give your presence up. Moving out of you, Cas reaches for your arm. He gives you a knowing look and nods. He was ready, machete in hand. You walk into the room, Castiel at your side. “Hello boys” you startle the vamps, giving Sam and Dean a chance to attack. Everything happened in fast motion, you smite the hell out of two vamps right away, Sam and Dean were fighting one each. You quickly searched for Cas, catching in time to see the sight of him taking down a vamp. It was probably the hottest thing you ever seen.

It didn’t take long before all vamps were killed, the four of you searched the rest of the house, making sure no undead was still alive. You healed the few cuts the boys had obtain during the fight, both Cas and you left the fight unscathed. “Alright, job is done, let’s go get a beer” You couldn’t agree more with Dean. Slipping into the Impala, you noticed Castiel sat closer to you, engaging in conversation on the way to the bar, not leaving any room for silence. It almost felt like before, but even then, the fallen angel didn’t know how you felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you like it so far?   
> Comments, etc, are welcomed!
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter Song Title: Free Ride by the Edgar Winter Group


	3. Everywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The four of you go to a bar after the hunt, where you meet someone new.

Standing at the bar, ordering a round of beers for the gang, you try to relax. Trying to not think about how close Cas sat next to you, on the ride over. The bartender sets the beers in front of you, grabbing two in one hand, you are about to grab the other ones, when a hand reaches for them. “Need help?” A very handsome rugged man smiles down at you. His blond locks came down to his shoulder, a decent beard and eyes that looked like two little earths. You had to admit,he looked pretty damn hot. You smile and thank him as he follows you to the booth. Dean immediately shoots a glare at the guy then you. You shrug softly, setting the beers down, then grabbing the ones from the man, “Thanks.” He smiles at you, nodding to the three men at the table. Sam gives him a polite smile,while Dean just gives him a sarcastic huff. Castiel glances at you then the man then back at you. “I’m Ryan” The man held is hand out towards you. Taking it, you tell him your name and the boys. “Well, it was nice meeting you, don’t leave without saying goodbye” Ryan smiles at you, lightly patting your shoulder, before returning to the company he was with.  
You quickly slide into the booth next to Dean, who gives you a bitch face worthy of Sam’s. “What!” you barked at the older Winchester, taking a sip of your beer. Castiel’s gaze meets yours and you smile softly at the man. He doesn’t return the smile, just looks down at his beer. Feeling annoyed and tired, you grab your beer . “You sourpusses are annoying the hell outta me, I’m going out for a damn smoke!”

Walking out to the bar patio, you find a table at the far corner. You almost wanted to zap yourself the hell out of there, go somewhere more pleasant. You could go to Seattle, that was one of your favorite places on Earth. Loved the cold days, the coffee and the live music. And the men. The men were great there, never had any meaningful relationships, mostly one night stands. You were an angel on the run, but you did get lonely. Taking the pack of cigarettes from your jacket pocket, you light one. Sam hated that you smoked, but you were a damn angel. You weren’t going to be dying of cancer anytime soon. “Mind if I join you?” A rough voice asks, glancing over Ryan stood there, a hand tucked into his pocket, the other carrying a beer. You can’t decide if you want the company or not. But then you realize anything was better then those grumps you called your friends. “Sure” You motion to the empty chair across from you. Ryan smiles as he sits down, setting his beer onto the table. Getting a better look at him, you realize he was damn right beautiful. His blond hair tucked behind his ears. He wore a plain gray shirt , leather jacket and dark jeans. “Why aren’t you with your friends?” He pointed to the bar. Taking a drag from your cigarette, shrugging, “They were being grumpy. We had a long day at work.” Ryan says he understood, not pressing at what your job was, feeling grateful for that, you ask him if he was from around here. “Yeah, grew up here. I own the bookstore in town” Ryan slips off his jacket, placing in his lap.You glance over his arms, covered in various ink. “I know, I don’t look like the book type, but I love literature” Shit, he was smart and good looking, you laugh. “Sorry” you apologized.

“Are you just passing through?” Ryan’s eyes were filled with curiosity, a gleamer of hope was almost noticeable. You think of Cas and you suddenly feel empty. “Um, yeah, just for the night. Home’s a few hours away”. Disappointment came over Ryan’s face, but he quickly recovered. “That’s too bad for me. You seem like a pretty cool person. But isn’t that how it always is?” Cynicism rolls off his tongue and it makes you laugh. He reminded you of some the men you dated in Seattle. “Yeah, seems about right. I’m use to it. The job takes me around the country, weeks on end sometimes. We usually live in motels”, you crushed the cigarette in the ash tray on the able and take a drink from your beer. Ryan opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Castiel’s sudden presence.

He stood there tall, looking straight at you. He looked rather drunk. “Hey Cas, what’s going on?” You sat up straight, giving Ryan a smalls mile. “Can I talk to you for a moment” Not even as much as a glance at Ryan, who gets up. “Again, don’t leave without saying goodbye”, he grabs his glass and gives you a brilliant smile. Castiel doesn’t sit until Ryan has walked back into the bar, then he takes a sit across from you. Immediately you can sense something is wrong with him.  
“Cas..” your voice filled with concern. The angel without any grace, looks uncomfortable. You don’t push him to talk, you know him well enough, to not do that. After losing his grace, he became sullen, easily deferred when it came to talking about how he was. So patiently you wait, nursing your beer until nearly ten minutes passed. Castiel’s lip parted, “I do not understand these feelings I have. I wish I could remember” His deep blue eyes look at you, fillingg the void you felt. For that split second, he was Cas again. The Cas that, even as an angel without his grace, made you smile. That sat in your room with you, listening to music and watching too much Netflix. The Cas that worried about you, even when you were the one with the grace. The man who saved you a long time ago. His soul rebelled like yours back then.  
His gaze left yours, your mind stutters with all the thoughts of Castiel, before it comes back in focus. “I have been wondering why it’s only you, I do not remember” His deep voice makes your heart beat a little faster. “Why you? What is it about you?”.  
Feeling tears starting to well up in your eyes, you look away. Pointing out that it was most likely because you were an angel, Cas is quick to dismiss that, because he remembers Gabriel, Hannah and the other angels. But not you. Emotions threatened to take you down, specifically fear. You feared the reason why he didn’t remember you, was simply because you weren’t important enough to him. A tear slips down your face, quickly you wipe it away. You hear Castiel shift in his chair, then feel a hand on yours. Looking back at him, he looks concerned, but takes his hand back. “It’s okay Cas. It really doesn’t matter anymore. There’s a reason why you can’t remember me. Let’s just leave it. If we come across another witch, then we can go to her. But there’s nothing we can do now.” You wanted this conversation to end, it was becoming unbearable. Standing up and excusing yourself to the rest room, you leave Castiel alone on the patio. Passing Dean at the doorway to the bar, he notices the tears in your eyes, but you rush off before he can stop you. 

Instead he walks over to Cas, taking your seat. “What happened?” Castiel looks at his friend, lost and confused. “I tried to tell her what I was feeling, but our communication is all wrong. She said it doesn’t matter anymore if I have no memory of her. It was fine” Dean shook his head, knowing damn well that was a lie. He knew how you felt about Castiel, he wasn’t blind. “Cas, what were you feeling?” Castiel looks up from his lap, “Jealously. When she walked over with that man, I felt this tugging inside me. I didn’t want to see her with him.” Dean’s eyes widen then soften with understanding. “You need to tell her that.”  
Walking out of the restroom, you wanted to let go. Being around Castiel, without him having any recollection of you ,of the past two years, it was painful. Looking into his eyes without the usual warmth, that seemed reserved just for you, all unbearable. Sam locked eyes with you from across the room, he was shooting pool with a few guys. Most likely hustling. A small smile tugged at the corner of your mouth, but he just stared at you. Watched you make your way to where Ryan sat at the bar, with two other men. Tapping his shoulder, Ryan turns around, a smile forms across his face when his eyes met yours. “Leaving?” Ryan maintains a smile as the words come out of his mouth, but his eyes are filled with remorse. “One night. We only have one night”, you offer. You felt cold inside, knowing Ryan was just a filler for what you couldn’t have. Castiel. Ryan stood up, taking your hand in his. Large fingers engulfed yours, as he said bye to his friends. “Let’s make it a great night then” Ryan’s words almost bring you comfort, almost brings you back to the days before you ever met Castiel. When things were simple, spending years running from Heaven, from the other angels. You can’t even bring yourself to look at Sam, as you walk hand in hand with Ryan , out the door.

Castiel and Dean walk back into the bar, blue eyes scan the room looking for you. Only to see Sam back at the booth, approaching him, Dean ask where you were. Sam cleared his throat and looked up at his brother, not wanting to face Castiel. “She, uh, she took off with that guy.” Castiel’s eyes darted to the entrance, feeling crushed. Feeling overwhelmingly confused at why his heartache. “It’s okay, Dean.” Castiel’s voice lures out in a rush tone, as he took a seat next to Sam, sitting quietly as he nursed his beer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading so far!
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter Title Song: Everywhere by Michelle Branch


	4. I am Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes people surprise you.

You fingers ran over the spines of the books, carefully examining each title. Humming softly to yourself, not noticing how Ryan is staring at you. He leans against the counter, watching you contently. Tilting your head to read the titles of books, “This place is great, Ryan.” Moving away from the bookshelf, you take a place next to the handsome blond. Standing shoulder to shoulder, Ryan smiles at you, “Thanks, it’s my baby.” A chuckle escapes your mouth, turning to face the tall blond. His jawline is graced with a blond beard, which lines two full lips. Thoughts of Castiel crash into your mind, causing a whirl of hurt to shoot through your chest, right to the heart. He would never remember you, he would never love you. He will never be yours. Those thoughts repeated nonstop in your mind, open 24/7, like a convenience store. Ryan senses your distress, because he slips his hand in yours. Feeling slightly surprised by the physical contact for a mere moment, before welcoming it simply, because it rips you from your own personal hell. Wanting nothing more then to diminish this pain, to not see those electric blue eyes, each time you closed your own. It was a quick movement that placed you in front of Ryan, another movement to place your lips against his. His scruff feels rough against your skin, aching for the roughness, you kiss him harder. Kiss him fast, slipping your tongue into his mouth. Ever single thought in your head , that had an ounce of Castiel, vanished. Ryan pulled your jacket off, tossing it off the ground. Moving your hands to his waist, pushing your pelvic against his body, your lips move along side his jawline.

While every movement you made was rough, wanting, filled with desperation. Ryan’s were soft, relaxed and filled with peacefulness. The two of you battle through a tug of war, one pushing faster, the other slowing down, trying to savor each kiss, each touch of skin. Ryan lifted you up, letting you place your legs around his waist. Sliding your hand into his hair, he groans against your neck. He carries you to the couch that was up against the far right side of the store, a reading area it seemed. He gently sets himself down, still carrying you in his lap. He kisses you softly, slowly moving his tongue against yours. Feeling his hands slip up your back, sending chills throughout your body. You groan, removing your shirt and tossing it off to the side. Ryan follows suit, your eyes scan his bare chest, taking only a second to marvel at his well maintained body, before assaulting him with more kisses. While your lips work against his, your hands move to his belt buckle then to the buttons of his jeans. This action does not go unnoticed, as Ryan gently pulls your hands away. “Is something wrong?” You question, moving to kiss him on the neck. He smiles gently, pulling your face away from his neck and giving you no other choice, but to look right at him. “On my end, no. But yours? Not sure.” Before you can say a single word of protest, his rough voice becomes serious, “Listen, we don’t have to do this. We can just hang out.” Insulted, you look down at the shirtless man. His eyes were flooded with understanding, his lips swollen from all this rough kissing and his body was ready. Ready for whatever choice you were to pick. You knew what your body wanted. Wanted him to slam against you, to rough you up, to dull your senses until you could no longer feel a single emotion. But your mind wanted things you could not bare to even think about. Ryan slide his hand up your neck, rubbing his thumbs against your skin. The warmth from that thumb alone, sent a feeling of euphoria down to your toes. “What’s it going to be?” Ryan smiled, because for him, either way meant not spending another night alone.

It was nearly 5am, when you staggered away from the bookstore, the sun was up, slowly casting it’s rays against your face. Ryan was still asleep on the couch, when you slipped out, but before you left, you gazed upon his face one last time. Trying to memorize the different features, because this was a night you didn’t want to forget. Standing outside the bookstore, you slip your jacket on then turn to the store. Before walking away, you glance at the bookstore window, you reflection showed a someone with a tired composure and messy hair. Groaning you quickly gather your hair into a low bun. The streets were fairly empty, as you walked towards the direction of the bar from last night. Realizing that you probably should call one of the boys, you grab your cell from your jacket pocket. Having had turned it off when you left the bar, you power it back on. In the moments it took to turn on and a minute after, several pings went off. A flood of calls from Sam and Dean. Then a slew of text messages from the Winchesters, not helping but notice not a single peep from Castiel. Sighing you start to dial Sam’s number, because it was far too early to deal with the older Winchester. The phone gave three rings before Sam finally picked up, his voice was alert, “Jesus, Y/N. Where are you?” The concern rolling off his tongue, made you feel guilty as hell. You tell him your location, which is what seems to be the down town of the area, he gives you the address of the motel and room number. Not feeling up for a walk, even though you were an angel, your body felt weak, you travel, angel style. Within a second, you stood outside the motel room.   
Knocking lightly on the door, you nearly zapped yourself away. You felt incredibly guilty, then silly. You were a grown women, an angel, who didn’t have to answer to the Winchesters. But if you were truthfully to yourself, it was Castiel that you worried about. But before you can leave, Sam slowly opens the door. He was already dressed for the day, in a red flannel and jeans. Smiling down at you, he moves so you can enter the room. Scanning the room, you see one body missing.

“Sam, where’s Cas?” as you turn your gaze from Dean, who was snoring softly in one of the queen beds. “Next door, he wanted his own room.” Right, you thought. He didn’t want to be in the same room as you, was what your mind could only think. Sam doesn’t say anything, only offering you his company, wanting to know if you wanted to go get breakfast. You were accustomed to eating, especially after all the years spent on Earth, so you accept his invitation, but only after a shower and change of clothes.  
After a quick shower, blow drying your hair enough to were it wasn’t totally wet, you change into light jeans and an old Bad Religion shirt. The two of you walk out the motel room, as you pass Castiel’s room, you try to not think about him being alone. Sam quickly takes your mind off the fallen angel, chitchatting about a few cases that needed to be looked into. The two of you walk to the diner that was on the same block as the motel. Picking a booth to sit in, the two of you order food. Sam watches you gazing out the window, right at the motel, that was in plain sight to where you sat. Sam cleared his throat, “So you want to talk about it?” His hazel eyes questioned you, letting out a soft laugh, you shake your head no. “No. But how was last night? Dean got super drunk or what?” Sam laughs, giving you a knowing look. “Great, he’s going to be a fuckin’ peach to deal with on the drive home.”

“Yeah, well, I took off shortly after you. Cas and Dean stayed out later, not sure when they came in,” Sam sipped his coffee, not realizing the pain you felt at the mention of the blue eyed angel. The table fell silent as you continued to watch outside the window and Sam read the newspaper he had brought with him. It was a comfortable silence, but the worst kind, when a person did not want to do any thinking. It was a deafening torture, because the lack of words spoken between Sam and you, caused the empty silence to be filled, flooded with thoughts of Cas. The way he use to smile at you, the connection the two of you shared. The longing looks you’d shoot at him, and sometimes you would swear, he’d look at you the same. The way his nose would scrunch when you’d make him laugh, really laugh.  
A plate of food being set in front of you, jerked you back into reality. Thanking the waitress, you start to cut the french toast you ordered. Sam was spooning his oatmeal, when you couldn’t contain last nights events any longer. You wanted someone to know. Setting your fork down on the plate, causing a sharp sound of metal hitting the ceramic plate, Sam looks up from his food. Doesn’t say a word, but gives you a look that ask what’s wrong.  
“Sam, I ..I..didn’t sleep with Ryan last night.” The admission confuses Sam for a second, before he realizes what you were saying. He opens his mouth to say something, something you were sure was kind, caring and understanding. But you interrupt him before he can even start, “That’s all I want to say. So let’s drop it and enjoy our breakfast.” Sam knows there’s no room for disagreement, so he just sends you one of his famous Sam smiles and continues to eat his food.

An hour later, the two of you are walking back to the motel, breakfast for Dean and Cas in to go boxes, in your hand. Sam casually has his arm over your shoulder, as the two of laugh about how hungover Dean was going to be. Reaching the motel room, Sam is getting the key out, as the door from Castiel’s room swings open. Expecting Cas to come out, disheveled and hung over, you are ready to show him his breakfast, in hopes that it would lighten the mood, from last nights activities. But your smile quickly fades, as a woman comes out. Her brown hair was messy, her shirt inside out and she was barefoot, heels in her hands. Sam quickly looks at you, clearly seeing the hurt in your eyes. Hurt that had no right to be there in the first place, but as Castiel peeks out of the room, his blue eyes meets yours. There is shock in them, as you hold up the container of food. Forcing a smile, that surely he could tell was fake, you walk towards him. Castiel is shirtless, wearing a pair of boxers and robe. His hair looks like someone was running their fingers through it all night. His eyes were red, he looked extremely tired. “We got you breakfast” holding out the container to the man you loved so desperately, the angel who had saved you once, that took you out of the pit of loneliness, that showed you want friendship and family meant. He had given you all of that. Before Castiel came along, you had gone centuries without any of it. The last time you had the sense of family, of friendship was before your heart rebelled to be free. To have choice, when you still called heaven, home. And now, just looking at him, it physically was hurting you. It was more painful than when you first realized he had no clue who you were. Tears were starting to well up, but it took all the will power you had to force them back. Because you had no damn right. Castiel was just living his life as he saw fit. He was just being human. He reaches for the container, “Thank you, Y/N” his deep voice sends you over the edge. Your name rolling out of his mouth, it broke your heart into pieces, that no amount of grace could ever fix it. Nodding quickly, you turn around, just in time. Just in time to shield the tear that dashed down your cheek. Hearing the door close behind you, not daring to look back, you rush into Sam’s arms, who holds you tightly. 

No words are exchange, just the comfort that your friend gave, it was not enough. But it would do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song Title : I Am Humab by the Brian Buckley Band


	5. Their Cell

Dean wakes up to the sound of soft crying, his eyes flutter open. He sits up and sees Sam leaning against the headboard of the motel bed, you were laying next to him, crying into his chest. Sam shoots his brother a warning look, to which Dean nods and tries to not call attention to himself as he goes into the bathroom. You will yourself to stop crying, to stop being so weak. All these years on Earth, posing as a normal human, it truly weakened your emotional resistance. Where before you could have never been swayed by human emotions, now you’d have to actually use your grace, so you could remember you were an angel. The time Dean takes to shower and get ready, you’ve stopped crying, apologizing to Sam, who refused to accept it. He tells you it’s okay, that everything will be fine. Dean walks out of the bathroom, as you roll of the bed to use the now unoccupied bathroom. “Dean, we brought you breakfast,” is all you say as ,you close the bathroom door behind you.  
An hour later, you’ve gathered the duffel bags by the door. Sam double checks that nothing was being left behind, Dean went next door to get Cas. Sam stops before opening the motel room door, asking if you will be fine on the car ride home. You laugh, “I’ll manage. Dean will blast his tunes anyhow.” Sam, feeling good about your answer, helps you take the bags to the Impala. A moment later, Castiel and Dean are coming out of the other motel room. Castiel is surprisingly wearing his trench coat, along with the usual outfit he use to sport before he went human. You avoid eye contact as you get into the back seat, waiting for the three men to finish loading the bags. Sam gets into the car first, turning around in the passenger seat, to reach out and squeeze your head. It brings a smile to you, knowing you had such a good friend in your life. Dean and Cas join the two of you in the car, causing Sam to face forward, but you don’t take your eyes off the window. Feeling the presence next to you, it tenses your entire body. Dean starts Baby and immediately blast Led Zeppelin. The music helps you relax, but doesn’t help you forget who was sitting next to you, but it offered a small distraction.  
Dean’s pulling out of the parking lot, when something gets your attention. A familiar face. Ryan is jogging to the Impala, “Dean, stop!” You shout, a second later, Baby comes to an abrupt stop. “What the hell, Y/N!” But you ignore the annoyed words coming from Dean, instead you get out of the car, walking toward Ryan, who stood about 10 feet from the car. Sheepishly smiling at you, Ryan moves his hair from his face, “So you taking off?” You look towards the car, three pairs of eyes are on you. Quickly turning back to Ryan, you smile and shrug, “That’s the plan. Sorry I left without saying bye. I don’t really..” Ryan cuts off your apology, a hard chuckle comes out of him, “No, don’t worry about it. I just wanted to give you this.” He holds out a book, you are taken by surprise at the nice gesture. Taking the book from him, you turn it to see the cover. It was ’Little Women’ by Louisa May Alcott, a smile can’t help but appear on your face.  
Thinking of last night, after the foreplay was stopped, the two of settled onto the couch, shirts back on. “Don’t worry about it,” Ryan assured you and after everything that happen since Castiel lost his memory of you, it felt nice to have someone be so kind to you. It felt nice to just sit next to the blond man, talking about the little things. You talked about your life in Seattle and how you missed it sometimes. He asked about your family, to which you just told him, “We don’t get along. I come from a really big family, but I haven’t seen anyone in years.” He says he understands, that he’s also the black sheep in his family. You ask about the bookstore, which brings a smile across his face, “I opened it about six years ago, after my wife divorced me. I needed something to distract me.” You don’t hesitate to ask him why he needed the distraction, the boldness brought on by the fact that this was just one night together. A promised one night. He thinks for a moment, you watch the way his green eyes looked to the floor, as he took a moment to think. “Well, I was still in love with her, opening this place, it helped me move on.” Ryan shifted to face you, his hand scratches at his beard, “I loved her for so long, we were young when we got married. And than one day, it was like she forgot who I was. She looked at him, as if I was a complete stranger.” His words shattered you, because the feeling was one you knew all too well. You look down at your hands, “It’s like they don’t see you. Don’t realize how it feels. And just looking at them, it breaks your heart every time.” Your words come out as if they were only for you, immediately you laugh it off, getting up from the couch and asking him to show you around the store. Neither of you bring up the subject again, but spend the rest of the night going through books, pointing out the ones you each liked and giving the other person a mini summary of it. You laughed as Ryan pulled out Little Women, saying it was one of his favorites. Now you have the copy in your hands.

“Thank you, Ryan. For everything, but the boys are waiting,” you nod behind you, holding the book to your chest. He looks over your shoulder and nods, “I’m glad we had last night. Be good.” He steps forward, his hand slides behind your neck, as his lips brush against your forehead. And you feel flushed as he pulled away. It was this intimate show of affection, that has you feeling strange. No one besides Dean has ever done that, it was sign of caring for the person. Last night, when you were kissing Ryan, ready to sleep with him, it was different. No feelings put in it, but this small brush of his lips on your forehead, it had your head spinning. You brush the thoughts away, giving Ryan a last smile before getting back into the car.  
Silence fills the classic black car for a moment, but you just stare out the window. The Impala starts up once more, from the window, you watch Ryan standing there, hands in his pocket. And as Dean drives out of the parking lot, holding up your hand, you wave goodbye. Ryan smiles, a sadness in his eyes, and for some reason, it wasn’t until now, that you notice how bright his soul shined. The car rounds the corner of the motel, driving off to home. Holding the book in your hands, you lean back into the seat, eyes fixated on the world that passes by.  
The music roars on, as the road grows longer, no one talks for 20 minutes, until Castiel ask Dean how long it will take to get back to the bunker. Dean tells him a few hours, the conversation goes back and forth between the two friends. Watching Sam in the side mirror, he’s on his laptop, you squint to see what he’s typing. Then let out a laugh as you see in big bold letters, I SEE YOU. You reach out and playful smack Sam on the shoulder, he pretends to be offended, taking your hand in his, pretending to go in for a kiss, but instead lightly bites you. Yelping, you smack him harder this time. Sam’s laughter fills the car, making you smile wide.

“Finally, I don’t know why you and Cas are so damn gloomy. Sam and I are the ones that didn’t get some last night!” Dean chuckles, patting Sam on the chest. But the younger Winchester groans, sending his brother a look that could kill. You look at Castiel, “You okay?” You don’t know if the question is for him or you, but the man just nods, looking down at the book on your lap. “What book is that?” Holding it up, the blue eyes scan the title, a small squint in his eyes. “Are they actually little?” Laughing, you shake your head no, “It’s about four sisters, I’ve never read it.” Castiel nods, then turns his head to look out the window. The way he acts, as if your mere existence is just that of a complete stranger, it hurts. It tears you from the inside out and it also makes you look at him differently. He’s just not the Cas you love, at least not anymore. Resigning back into the seat, you open the hardcover book. The book is worn, and as you open the first page, handwriting catches your eye. On the back of the cover, a small note is written.  
_Sometimes one night is simply not enough. - Ryan_  
Underneath, ten numbers written neatly. You just stare down at the phone number, trying to sort everything out, but it was too much. Battling between what ifs and why nots, you close the book and lean forward, resting your head on the front seat, staring up at Sam. You feel Castiel’s gaze on you, but don’t dare to stare into those blue eyes, that pained you. Sam looks over at you, giving you a wearily smile. He was the one that understood best, he knew how you felt about Cas, from the very beginning, he held you as you cried when Castiel didn’t recognize your face. And then he held you again, because Castiel was just living his life. With his right hand, he reaches across his chest, to take your hand in his. Dean glances over, a confused look on his face, but you don’t pay any attention to him. Instead you reach back for the book and hand it over to Sam, he lets go of your hand, to take the book. “Open it” softly comes out of your mouth, hoping only Sam heard. You watch as the younger brother does, his eyes glance over the note Ryan left, then his hazel eyes look at you. His eyebrows rise up in question, but you just shrug, barely nodding towards Castiel. The silent signals annoys Dean, who tells you two to cut it out. But you just take the book from Sam’s hand, gently squeezing his shoulder, before zapping yourself the hell out of the Impala.  
You walk into your room, kicking off your shoes and climbing into bed. Resting your back against the headboard, moving one leg over the other, you open the book, glancing at the number once more, before diving into the story about the four March sisters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this chapter, more to come!
> 
> What do you guys think of Ryan?
> 
>  
> 
> Comments are always welcomed!
> 
> Chatper Title Song : Their Cell -Girl in a Coma


	6. Coming On So Long

A tear falls down your face, slamming the book shut. Sighing, you lean back into the couch, wiping away the stray tear. A few days had passed since Ryan had given you the book. Things around the bunker had been normal, Castiel was holed up in his room as usual. The two of you barely could look at one another, let alone exhange any words. “Hey, are you crying?” You laugh, holding up the book to show Sam. “Beth just died. I’m going to kill..” You stop yourself from saying his name, but Sam knew what you were about to say. He chuckled, moving towads you and taking a seat on the couch. Tucking your feet under his thigh, Sam smiles to himself , reaching for the book on your lap. Watching as he flips open the book, his hazel eyes glance over the note Ryan had written. “Are you going to call him?” You stay silent, staring at the book in Sam’s hand. Everything seemed so confusing , you had been in love with Castiel for so long, but he had no memory of you now. He didn’t look at you in that special way anymore, now he just stared with an indifferent look on his face. It was not his fault, you knew that, but that didn’t end the hurt. And Ryan, he had thrown you for a loof. That kiss on the forehead, it made you feel something. His soul had shined for you as he watched you leave in the Impala. Sam cleared his throat, snapping you from the exhausting thoughts. “Sam, do you think Cas will ever get his memory of me back?”

The question catches the hunter off guard, he shifts his body towards you. You could always count on Sam to be there for you, to tell you the truth. “Honestly, I’m not so sure. We don’t even know what spell that witch used. I’ve been researching, but haven’t found anything yet. I’m sorry.” His large hand move to your knee; it seemed lately Sam was comforting you quite a bit. Shrugging, trying to give a convincing smile, you reach back for the book. “Maybe I will call him. You would like Sam, he’s a really good person.” The imagine of the blond man standing there in front of you, book in hand, has you smiling. Sam takes notice how different the smile that settled on your face was, it was a real one. A rare sight lately. The younger Winchester just wanted you to be happy, but he couldn’t help but feel for Cas too. Although, Castiel never came out and said he was in love with you, Sam had eyes. He saw the way the two of you moved around each other, the side glances, the smiles that always made him feel like he should leave the room. But he also knew how hurt you were when Castiel had woken up without any knowledge of who you were. Sam was the one who had taken you into the kitchen, letting you cling onto him, crying into his chest. He knew how much you had loved his friend, but maybe Ryan would help you. “Listen, I know you love Cas. And okay, he doesn’t remember you. But you are still you. The two of you could just start over. Get to know one another again.” Sam’s brow raises as he went on, “But if you don’t want that. Or maybe it’s too painful for you. Then go to Ryan. You obviously have some feelings for him. Just, I want you to be happy. Dean and I will support whatever you want.” And with that, Sam tapped on the front cover of the book, before getting up and leaving you to think. Leave it to Sam to make things sound so easy. Clearly you had to make a choice.

Knocking lightly on Castiel’s door, there is no answer. After the little pep talk from Sam, you wanted to talk to Cas. You wanted to look into those ocean blue eyes and hope that there was a hint of recognition in them. Your fist makes contact with the door again, nothing. Sighing, feeling defeated, you rest your forehead against the cold door. You can hear breathing coming from the other side of the door. Your angel hearing brought the sounds of a steady breaths to your ears. “Cas, you don’t have to answer the door. I-I just wanted to talk to you. Just listen, okay?” Holding your hand to the door, you pause to catch your breath. To steady your voice from breaking, “I was devastated when you woke up, after that damn witch shot that spell at you. You had opened up those blue eyes and had no clue who I was. No clue.” Castiel’s breathing has sharpen, you can hear him shuffling around the room. Quivering lips have you halting any words from coming out, because you didn’t want to cry. You were tried of crying, so you clear your throat before speaking again, “ I’m not sure if you knew back then, the feelings I had, have, for you. But we were really close. You were my best friend.” No longer able to fight back the full blown emotions attacking you from the inside, tears leave your eyes. “Cas, that’s the hardest part. I lost my best friend. I lost you that night. You were the first angel in a long time, that I connected with. I mean, you knew how it was up there.” You wait, listening closely, but no sound comes from Castiel.

“All the rules. We were given no choice, I wanted a choice. A say in the way I lived my life. So I came down to Earth, hid for so many years. And then you showed up, saved me that night. You didn’t let me walk away, Castiel.” Pounding on the door in anger now, in utter despair, because he wasn’t saying a damn thing. “Castiel! Please, Castiel!” The sound of pleading from your voice, was foreign. With every blow to the door, your fist ached with pain, “I can’t stand another minute of this. I can’t look into your eyes and see nothing. I want you to remember me, all the good times. I wish I could heal you with my grace, but I can’t. Dammit, Cas.” Skin breaks on your fist, a little blood spills out, your hands tremble away from the door. He wasn’t listening, was he ever? “Fine, Cas. It’s okay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Your voice softens to a whimper, knowing it was over now. A feeling of crushing defeat sets in, your hand slides away from the door. Eyes burn as tears gather around, waiting to fall down your face. Hesitating to walk away, you linger for a moment before leaving.

Castiel listens from the other side of the door, his back slides down, trying his best to not make a sound. He listened to your voice break, to the words you ere confessing. He can hear your tears, can hear your pain, but he couldn’t bring himself to open the door. He couldn’t bring himself to look you in the eye, to see the hurt that he put there. In all honesty, Castiel had spent countless hours trying to remember who you were to him, but it usually ended up with him laying restlessly in bed, with not a single memory of you. So he sat there on the floor, a tear streaming down his face, hating himself for letting you go. Hating himself for not having a single gleam of hope.

Dean was sitting in the kitchen, nursing a cold beer, when you walked in with a bloody fist. Alarmed, the hunter jumps up from his seat, moving towards you, “What the hell happened?” He quickly grabbed your hand, pulling you to the sink. Cold water hits the small abrasions, it stings a little. “Why don’t you just heal yourself? You are an angel, did you forget?” He chuckled with a smirk, but quickly it faded, when you didn’t respond. “Hey, hey. What’s going on ?” Dean’s voice is full of concern, as you remove your hand from his. You play it off, saying nothing, quickly healing your wound. “I’m fine. I’m going to head out for a bit. Where’s Sam?” Dean says his brother is in the library, but he doesn’t let you leave without a small hug and pat on your back. You find Sam hunched over a book, a pencil in his mouth. “Hey, I’m going to head out for a bit.” Removing the pencil from his mouth, he gives a suspicious look, “What happened?” Sighing, you walk to the table, taking a sit on it. Sam adjusted to face you, moving to his side, waiting for you to explain. And you do. Word for word. He shakes his head, placing a hand on your shoulder, “Maybe it’s for the best. Castiel really hasn’t been the same since his grace was stolen.” The younger Winchester words were meant to be comforting, but they just weighed heavy on you. He ask where you were going and you just shrugged, but he knew. Sam knew exactly where you were headed. After a goodbye, he watched you walk up the stair case to the bunker front door, giving him a reassuring smile, before closing the door behind you.

The air was cool, as you walked up to the little store. Tugging at your jacket, feeling slightly nervous. Your hand touches the door knob, it takes a moment , but it turns in your grip. A small bell rings as the door opens, your eyes look up as you walk in. Ryan is standing there, his back to you, as he rings up a customer. “Welcome! Feel free to look around, let me know if you need anything.” Ryan calls over his shoulder, not noticing it was you that came in. A laugh escapes your throat, as you close the door behind you. Watching the blond place several books in a small white plastic bag, he hands the bag and a recipet over to the customer. You listen to him thank them for coming in and telling them to come around soon. His head moves to watch the customer leave, his body turns toward your direction. Smiling sheepishly at him, as his eyes set on you, a grin immediately surfaces on his face. “Hey,” was all you could manage, as Ryan came around from the counter, stopping inches from you. His hand moves to your face, his thumb rubs in a circular motion, “Hey, back.” The two of you lock eyes, not breaking the stare, until you chuckle nervously. Ryan removes his hand, “ Want some coffee?” Clutching the strap of the messenger bag you brought with you, a gleam of tranquility comes over you, a genuine smile erupts from you. And with a small nod, you say yes. You say, “A cup of coffee would be great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know , right!
> 
> what did you all think?
> 
>  
> 
> It will get better, I promise. 
> 
> Title Inspiration: Famous Final Scene: Bob Seger


	7. We Are Nowhere and It's Now

_Hands linger against his bare back, running a straight line against his skin as you rise underneath. And when it becomes too much, you convulse back into the pillow; out of breath and feeling exhausted. His weight on you feels comforting and protective. He jerks in you, as his release fills you up; he rocks with a lingering rhythm until he has no more to give. His breath against your neck, kisses behind your ear; your grace settles between the two of you, gently healing your bodies of any tiredness. He collapses next to you, pulling your back into his chest. The feeling of him so tightly against you has your head spinning. Turning to face him, his eyes meets yours like an old lover, “Let’s stay in bed all day. We can stay here until the next sunrise.” His suggestion fills your heart up with a certain hope, as you kiss him on the arm that’s sprawled out over your side, “ That sounds perfect. Just perfect, Cas.”_

A knock on the door jerks you from the dream, pulling you from the arms of the fallen angel. Giving out a soft response, the door slowly opens. Ryan sticks his head in, “Hey, I’m headed downstairs to open up. Breakfast is on the stove. I have to run to the bank later on, can you take over for a bit?” His blond hair was a bit longer then it was nearly 4 months ago, when you first moved in with him. Yawning , you nod, “Yeah. Give me 15 minutes, I’ll take my breakfast downstairs.” Ryan smiles, giving you a wink before closing the door behind him. Pulling the sheets off your body, pushing the dream to the back of your mind; you quickly get dressed for the day. The apartment Ryan lived in was a two bedroom, one bath and a tiny kitchen set up; it was cozy and conveniently upstairs from the bookstore. Waking into the kitchen, you see a plate of french toast and bacon waiting for you. Pouring yourself a cup of coffee, you grab your plate and head downstairs. Banging the back door of the shop with your foot, it takes Ryan a minute to open; he laughs at the mere sight of you. Hair pulled up into a pony tail, jeans and one of Ryan’s old Nirvana shirts on. “Not a word. It’s too early.” Ryan throws his hands up, “For an angel, you’re pretty disheveled looking in the morning. I mean, you don’t really need sleep, right?” The smile that appears on your face can not be helped, Ryan was too sweet for you to ever be mad at his teasing, “Watch it. I will have you on top of Mt. Everest so fast,” you warn, moving over to the counter and plopping yourself on the stool. 

Right away you dig into your breakfast, as Ryan gathers his messenger bag, “Alright be back soon, try not to burn the place down.” The blond man leans over the counter, presses a kiss against your forehead. Waving him off, you hear the door open then close. Cutting a piece of french toast off, you move the fork to your mouth, pausing when you feel someone staring. Moving your head to the right, looking out the window; there is no one but a car passing by. Realizing it was just your imagination, you continue to eat your breakfast. Trying not think of the dream or of Cas, instead you focus on the plate of food. But it does not work, the dreams came and go as they pleased ; going weeks without a single one then days with the same one over and over. Ryan could tell you were on edge, comforting you in the best way he knew; by giving you space. After coming to see him that day, after Castiel ignored your pleas; Ryan and you grew close. You started leaving the bunker daily to come see him, spending time at the bookstore; helping him organize things or just sitting and talking. You kissed him one night, as he closed shop; several books in your hand, as he one by one put them in it’s rightful place. Watching him move with ease, a permanent small smile on his face, you felt like it would be okay. Maybe things were working out the way they were meant to, looking at Ryan, he truly was a good man. Your words held value, because the evidence was right there; you could see his soul. It shined brightly, all the colors coming from him showed you his truth. Ryan was a good man, a man you thought you could fall in love with. It was not like Castiel was altogether forgotten, the blue eyed man could never leave your heart; you had loved him for so long and so hard, he was permanently apart of you. But watching Ryan take the last book from your hands, slipping it back into place, you felt your body move to him. His eyes gazed down on yours and it was going to be okay, those words rang over and over in your mind. It was going to be okay. And when his lips met yours, your heart nearly felt whole again.

It had been nearly 4 months since you left the bunker for good, packing a few things with promises of coming back for the rest, at a future date. Cas had made himself scarce, knowing your departure was looming. Sam and Dean had helped load the few boxes of clothes and person items you had , on the bed of your truck , “Alright boys, I’ll come for my other things soon.” Dean snorted, shaking his head and pulling you in for a hug. “You’ll be back. Be safe. That fella Ryan gives you any trouble, call us.” Giving Dean a skeptical look, you kiss him on the cheek; he returns the favor with a kiss on the forehead, before leaving Sam and you alone. You loved Dean, but you would miss Sam the most. He was your best friend, helping you from day one and as he brought you into his farewell hug; you teared up. “Listen, it’s going to be fine. I trust you, so I trust Ryan. This might be for the best.” Sam rubbed your back, “I know, Sam. Come visit okay? And look-look out for Cas.” Sam promised you he would do both things, before he let you go. Getting into your truck, glancing in the rear view mirror; Sam waves bye, watching you and your truck disappearing down the road.

Ryan had arrive an hour later from the bank, “Hey, so I’m thinking about closing up earlier tonight.” He set his bag down on the counter, leaning forward on his elbows. His smile was sly, trying his best to hold back whatever he was hiding. “Why? Have some big date?” Teasing, you lean forward elbows touching his. “Yeah, she’s a looker too. Some might say-” Ryan’s words are muffled under your hand, “Don’t say it!” You warn, removing your hand from his mouth. “Some might say she looks like an angel that fell from heaven.” With the horrible line delivered, the two of you burst into laughter, “God, you are cheesy as hell, but dinner sounds good. Any particularly reason?” Ryan shrugged, moving his body over the counter, softly kissing you on the forehead, “Yeah, us.” The two of you spend the rest of the morning helping customers and when it came noon time, a crowd of preschoolers came in from the local school. The school had asked Ryan if he would host a weekly reading session for the preschool class, being the man he was, he agreed. And when you had came to live with him, you gladly took over. With No David NO by David Shannon in hand, you settled on the children section area rug, a handful of little ones gathered around you. And as you read the story, emphasizing your words and changing your voice, Ryan stood behind the counter watching; thinking how glad he was to have you in his life. How lucky he felt, because the two of you were fixing each other. Fixing all the broken things inside yourselves.

Castiel watched from across the street, the bookstore he had overheard Sam talking about to Dean, was the one in front of him. He wanted to see for himself, needed to know. Everyday since you left, he hated himself more and more, for letting you go. For not opening the door and letting you in, not only to the room, but to his heart. He should have known, it was always you. He understood now, the reason he couldn’t remember you was, because he loved you. Castiel wanted to rush into the shop and tell you everything. Wanted to pull you into his arms and apologize for being a coward; for being afraid to know his own truth. He had himself convinced that you’d be happy to see him, that you’d come back with him to the bunker, as he took several steps closer to the bookstore. Until he sees something that has his heart sinking; Ryan leaned in to kiss you on the forehead, a smile across your face. Castiel can’t remember the last time he saw that smile, he lingers back as Ryan comes out of the store, heading down the street. Cas watches you eating, in a shirt that was far too big for you; again his heart aches when he comes to the conclusion; it’s Ryan’s. You were happy now, it was evident. There was only one thing Castiel could do ; with a last glance in your direction and with a blink of his eye, he’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> We Are Nowhere and It's Now by Bright Eyes.


	8. Twilight

“Oh please! She's totally into you, Ryan.” You sip from the wine glass before devouring another bite of steak. “She comes into the shop at least once a week.”  
“Come off it (Y/N), she's the preschool teacher. She has to come in, but she is kind of cute.” Ryan admits, failing miserably at hiding the smile on his face.  
“You should ask her out! You two would be so cute together!”  
Ryan shook his head at your enthusiasm, “What about you? When are you going to go see Castiel?” Your heart sinks at the mention of his name.  
“Don't start with me. He made it clear that he was not interest, so I'm moving on.”  
Ryan watches your eyes soften, a sadness fills your pupils.  
He drops the subject, “Alright, let's toast. To our failed relationship, but flourish friendship.” With a small laugh, the two of you clink glasses together. As the two of you enjoy dinner, the last four months comes pouring into your thoughts.  
…  
Initially, moving in with Ryan meant moving the relationship to a new level. You had every intention to move forward with life and for a while things went as planned. Ryan was nothing short of perfection, a dotting partner in fact. The two of you learned to lean on another one, lifting each other to live each day. To focus on the now and not the past. It was hard at first, with the looming memory of Cas not opening the door, his silence being his final word. Eventually, Ryan busied you with helping at the bookstore, happy to have someone else around. And there were shared glances, soft kisses and warm embraces. Nights spent in bed facing each other and talking until the morning sun rose, warming your faces. He talked about his ex-wife, how hard it was to let go. You caressed his face, as he nuzzled against your palm. Ryan would pull you into his chest, fingers combed through your hair , as you talked about living in Seattle. He'd listen to the way your voice seemed to soar, as you recalled the cold weather and the breathtaking view from your apartment rooftop.  
“Any given night, I could sit up on that roof and listen to some band play from across the street. The city felt more alive at night, the streets bustling with people. I'd sit up there and inhale it all.”  
You had sat up, knees to chest when Ryan asked why you left Seattle.  
“My family found me. Some of them tried to bring me home. I had to run.”  
You had felt Ryan moving up against the headboard, his arm against yours, “I can understand that. My folks wanted me to be something I couldn't be. Had my whole life set out for me. And when it was apparent that my resistance was not a phase, they kicked me out.” 

Ryan's dejected tone was felt against your skin, absentmindedly your grace nearly made it's way to the man, before you pulled it back. An angel's grace could heal many things, but a heart that needed mending, was not one of them. So instead you sat with him, in whispered voices exchanging stories of controlling kin and unrequited love. It was those nights that sealed the bond between the pair of you. And slowly a love harvest itself between you two. Romantic at first, when the afternoons brought flowers and warm kisses. When the two of you would glance from across the bookstore, knowing exactly what the other was thinking. 

Everything felt new, but it hardly matter at times, especially when left alone. Your thoughts always wondered to those blue eyes, every time the pain harden into a lump in your throat. And in those vulnerable moments, you clung to Ryan. His laughter filled the void left by Castiel, his sweet demeanor healed the wounds felt from Cas' rejection. But still it was not enough. There was a bottomless hole in your heart, that not even Ryan could feel. What you didn't know was that those feelings were mutual.  
It happened nearly two months after moving in, sitting across from Ryan at the local pub. His blond hair tucked behind his ears, a laugh escaped his throat as you recounted the time you walked into Dean watching porn.  
“I swear that man is like a teenager sometimes. But Sam and Dean are my brothers, I would do anything for them.”  
“They are lucky to have you, I'm lucky to have you.” Ryan leaned into the table, reaching for your hand. “These last two months, getting to be with you everyday. It's helped me move on. I'm grateful for you, (Y/N).”  
A laugh spilled out of you, as Ryan looked on with confusion.  
“I'm sorry, but I know where this is going. And I want you to know, I feel the same.” Relief had flooded Ryan's face, his fingers a squeezed against yours.  
“So we're good? Because I've been racking my brain about this. I rather have my best friend by my side, than watch us crash and burn in some failed relationship.” Ryan waited for your response, not wanting to let go of your hand.  
“Shit, I'm relieved. I love you Ryan, but it's the same love I have for Sam and Dean.” You leaned forward and with a teasing tone you inquired, “One last kiss?”  
Ryan chuckled, moved forward and gave you one last kiss. 

.....

After settling the bar tab, the two of you walked out side, the crisp air reminded you of 'The Emerald City' and how much you missed it. So you reached for Ryan, “Hey, there's something you need to know. But you have to trust me. And promise you won't walk away from me.”  
Ryan could see the concern in your eyes, “Hey, come on now. You know I'm not going anywhere.” With the blond man's sincere words you grab his hand. And with a blink of an eye, the two of you are gone.  
Ryan held his stomach, “What the hell was..” his words fade as his eyes set on the view. Seattle's downtown was lit up, the night sky provided a contrasting canvas. You watched Ryan's eyes drink in the view, until the realization of where he was hit him.  
He turned to you with eyes filled with wonder. “How are we here?”  
Releasing his hand, you took a sharp breathe before speaking, “I'm an angel.” 

It had taken a good two hours to explain everything to Ryan. From the time you first came down to live among God's creations up to Cas forgetting who you were. You cried at that point, the emotions of it all flooding inside you. Ryan's shock wore away as he watched the tears in your eyes. He didn't care if you were an angel, he just wanted you to be alright. So he took your hand, letting you lean against his shoulders. The two of you stood there, listening to the music coming from the club across the street.  
.....  
After dinner, you left Ryan to make the short walk back to the apartment alone. He gave you a kiss on the forehead, before you vanished to that same rooftop.  
You hardly came here anymore, the memory of Cas being up here with you, was too painful to withstand. It felt like yesterday, when you had brought him here that first night.  
The view never felt stale, as you leaned over the railing.  
“This place is beautiful.” Castiel moved next to you, his hands clasped in front of him dangling over the rail.  
“I know, that's why I brought you here Cas.” It had been nearly a month since his grace was stolen and you had noticed how sluggish he had become. Despair and brokenness expelled from Castiel, feeling it whenever you were close to him. So you decided to bring him to your old rooftop in Seattle, to get away from the bunker and the constant hovering of the Winchesters.  
“Thank you, (Y/N). I know I have been a strain. I can see the way Sam and Dean look upon me with worry.” Cas' blue eyes wonder to you, he looked so lost it killed you.  
“You are still needed Cas. You are important to Sam and Dean. Important to me, please remember that.” Castiel smiled at you, before turning back to the view. You hoped your words resonated with him, wanting him to know that having no grace did not make him less worthy. Wanting him to know how important he was, because at that very moment you realized how much you loved him.  
You wished for that Cas back, but it was different now. Tonight was different. You were saying goodbye. The cold air had you zipping up the green jacket Dean had bought you, the view stared back at you like an old friend. You know it was inevitable that you'd run into Castiel again, because the Winchesters were family now. But tonight was about letting it all go. It was about finding peace in Cas' decision and moving on with life. You wanted to stay with Ryan, work in the bookstore and figure what your next move was. It hurt badly, but you had to let Cas go. He had saved your life once and you had falling in love with him. But everything was different now. So you looked out toward the city, tears rolling down your face as you whispered a soft goodbye to those blue eyes. A wave of relief washed over you, wiping the tears with your sleeve. You knew everything would be fine as you gave the city one last glance. Closing your eyes, preparing to go back to the apartment, a buzz comes from the pocket of your jacket.  
Staring down at your cell phone, a photo of Sam and you appear on the screen.  
“Hey, Sam” you answer the call with a smile, happy to hear his voice.  
“(Y/N), we need to talk. Cas might be in trouble.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost to the end guys!


	9. Time is running out

Ryan stood at your bedroom doorway, watching you pack a few things into a green duffel bag. His hands folded across his chest, a worried feeling stuck in the pit of his stomach.  
“Is it safe?”  
He asks, moving from the door and onto the edge of your bed. You halt the packing for a moment, taking a seat next to him.  
“It doesn’t matter, it’s Cas we’re talking about.”  
Ryan nods. “Just be safe. That’s all. And call or else I’ll be here worrying.”  
He helps you pack the rest of your things before you hand him the keys to your truck.  
“This seems like a goodbye. I don’t like this.” Ryan pushes your hand away.  
“I have no idea what we are up against. I’m just taking precautions, so take the damn keys.”  
“Fine, I will. Just try to stay alive.”  
The two of you embrace, Ryan kisses you on the forehead before handing you the green bag.  
“Wish me luck. When I’m gone, you better ask the preschool teacher out.”  
He chuckles before giving a nod. The two of you share a last glance before you disappear, leaving Ryan standing in the middle of your bedroom alone.

 

The bunker was quiet as you walked in and down the stairs. You call out to the boys, throwing your bag on the large wooden table. Dean comes from the direction of the kitchen, beer in hand and a relieved expression on his face. He immediately pulls you in for a hug and hollers out for Sam.  
“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. You good?”  
Dean sat on the table, patting the spot next to him. You sit down and shrug.  
“Yeah, it’s been great living with Ryan. The bookstore is nice and quiet.”  
“So you two hot and heavy?” Dean inquires with a raised eyebrow.  
“Really, Dean?”  
Sam shoves Dean’s shoulder, smiling your way. He lifts you up into his arms, giving you a healthy squeeze before setting you back down.  
“It’s good to see you, but we have some stuff to tell you.”  
Your eyes move from Sam to Dean, both parties looking rather guilty.  
“So wait, he has his grace back?” You were astonished, shocked.  
“Yeah, he got it back a few weeks after you left. We told Cas to tell you. I gave him the address to the bookstore, but he came back that same day and said it was too late.”  
Sam held up his hands in defeat. Your heart sank remembering the time you felt someone watching you. It must have been Cas and he sure as hell must have seen Ryan kiss you.  
“Ryan and I are not together, we were but it wasn’t right. We love it each other, but it’s the same way I love you two idiots.”  
A wave of relief washes over Dean’s face, “That moron, he should have stuck around. Now we have no clue where he is.”  
“Wait, I do.” You smiled widely, asking Sam for his laptop.  
“How do you know where he’s at?” Sam questions, looking over your shoulder, as you type away on the laptop.  
“I convinced Cas to let me put a tracking device on his cell when he became human. If he still has the cell, then we should be able to figure out his location.”  
“It’s worth a try,” Dean exhales, pacing the floor behind you. You log into the site and start looking for Castiel’s cell number among the many phone numbers you had been tracking.  
“Why do you have all these numbers?”  
You looked up at Sam, “ I like to keep tabs on people. I’m an angel gone MIA, I have to stay one step ahead.”  
Sam just shakes his head, until he sees a number he recognizes.  
“There it is.”  
You click on the number, a map popping up on the screen. Castiel’s location flashes red and you feel nauseous.  
“Why would he be in Seattle?” Dean asks as he leans into your back.

 

But you could not comprehend his question, because this gut wrenching feeling has you paralyzed. This was about you, it had to be. Why else would Cas be in Seattle? The one place you spent the most time in, before you met Cas and the Winchesters. The one place you loved the most. You could feel it down to the bone, your instincts screaming out. It was angels. Fucking angels.  
“Angels. We are dealing with angels.” You mutter pushing the laptop away.  
Your words have both the boys groaning, wishing it to be anything other than angels.  
“Well, damn. I guess we better be prepared.” Dean fell onto a chair, nursing the beer in his hand.  
“Should we drive? Might take a few days.” Sam looks to you then Dean.  
“We might not have a few days to spare. I’ll take us tomorrow.”  
The boys agree. The three of you fall silent, trying to mentally prepare for next day.

You laid on your old bed, staring up at the ceiling. Angels. What did they want? The question was obvious, they wanted you. Wanted answers to why you left Heaven, but why now? It had been decades since you left and a few years since they stopped actively hunting for you. And where was God all this time? He never showed his face, so why do these overzealous Angels care so damn much. The way you saw it was simple, God had made you and he sure wasn’t trying to get you back to heaven. You wished they would just leave you in peace, but mostly leave Castiel alone. He didn’t deserve any of this.

Your mind was racing a mile a minute, so you get up and walk out to the hall way. Without realizing it, you walk right to Castiel’s room. Not bothering to knock, it didn’t make a difference anyhow he wasn’t there. The room was neat and clean, a few personal items placed on top of his desk. His maroon colored hoodie was hanging off the desk chair, you always thought the color looked good on him. You shut the door behind you and walk over to the desk, grabbing the hoodie. Holding the piece of clothing in your hands made you pine for Cas, not just the old Cas, because right about now you’ take any variation of the blue eyed man. Bringing the hoodie up to your nose, his smell still lingered on to it. Tears trickle down your cheeks as place the Cas’ jacket back on the chair and go to sit on the bed. All you could think about was Cas and if he was still alive. And God help those angels if he wasn’t. 

You laid back on the bed, shifting to your side and staring off into nothing, slowly trying to calm your nerves. You move your hand underneath the soft pillow, ready to close your eyes and lull your mind to sleep, but you feel a thick paper from under the pillow. Pulling it out, you are confronted with a pair of your eyes.   
It was a photo of Castiel and you on Sam’s birthday last year, in the bunker kitchen. Dean orchestrated the whole thing, planning the dinner and making you in charge of desert. It had been one of your favorite nights in the bunker, the four of you celebrating and feeling like a family. You had gotten your camera out and started to take photos of the boys, when Sam grabbed it from your hands.  
“Come on, we need one of Cas and you.”  
He shot you a knowing smile, before motioning for Cas to move closer to you. Without being told, Cas threw his arm around you and smiled right at the camera. You slipped both hands around his waist and leaned into his side, his body had felt warm against yours. He had placed his hand over yours and it could be seen in the photo, the pure happiness coming off of you.  
Later on that week, you had made a few copies of the photos and taped them to the frig. You never noticed it went missing, but now you knew. You rubbed at Castiel’s face on the photo, “I’ll find you. I’ll bring you home, no matter what.”

You slipped the photo back into its place and left the room. More then ever now, you were certain that you would never stop loving Castiel and that there was only one thing left to do. Get him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter left!
> 
> and possible epilogue!


	10. I'm Castiel

After leaving Castiel’s room, you went to your own. Standing in the middle of the it, the time was now after midnight. You listen carefully, concentrating hard to hear the snores of both Winchesters. Satisfied with the sound, you give the room one last look before grabbing your green utility jacket and a picture frame off your desk. The hallway of the bunker was quiet as you made the quick walk to Dean’s room, you could hear his light snoring through the door. Letting yourself into his room, the man is sprawl out on his bed with headphones around his ears. He had fallen asleep listening to music, walking over to the bed you stare down at Dean. His face scrunch, his body jerks under the blankets. You immediately press a hand gently on his forehead, he was having a nightmare. “It’s okay, Dean. Tonight you’ll have nothing but good dreams,” you whisper before using your grace to rid him of those horrible images in his head. His face relaxes, his body steadies. Tears well up in your eyes, giving Dean a quick kiss on his forehead, before leaving the room.

Within a minute, you were standing in your best friend’s room. Sam’s tall frame was snuggle up to a pillow, his hair covering his entire face. His snores are not surprisingly loud, his hand tuck under his head. You were quite sure that leaving them behind was the right thing to do. You could not risk their lives, this was on you. The angels want you and if anything were to happen to the Winchesters on your account, you might as well be dead too. You move slowly onto the edge of the bed, hand moves to Sam’s face pushing back his hair. He stirs for a brief moment, but continues to sleep soundly. Tears fall down your face, it was going to be hard not seeing Sam again. You were not sure what would happen to you, but at least he’d be safe. And Cas. If you could save all three men, you’d gladly die by the hands of your own kind.

“I love you, Sam Winchester,” you breath out, pressing a hand on his forehead, sending images of the fun times you had with him through his head.

You stood in the bunker library with the picture frame in hand. The photo was taken weeks after meeting the Winchesters, it was movie night in the bunker and the men were trying to make you feel at home with them.

_The three of you had settled on the couch, cooler of beer and two boxes of pizza at your feet, Star Wars Saga on the screen. Cas had left the bunker that night, wanting the three of you to bond. It was a smart move, because that night changed everything for you. It had cemented the way you viewed family and the meaning of the word. You had sat in between the two brothers, enjoying the movie and feeling truly happy after so many years._

_To commemorate the moment, you had taken your cell out, “Alright fellas, bring it in.”_

_Dean groaned, but leaned into your side. Sam slipped his arm across your shoulder and smiled toward the camera. The three of you cheesed it up for the photo, laughing at the several outtakes before going back to the movie._

You place the picture frame on the table, whisper a goodbye and vanish.

On the table, the frame waits for the morning. Waits for the brothers to get up, wonder where you have gone and see the photo. The photo of the family you all had become.

......

A cool breeze hit your face as you appear in front of a huge mansion. The gate was open as if it was ready for your arrival, hell you were sure it was. The sky was dark and the stars were out, you stop and admire them, for the last time possibly. Knowing what could happen once you walk into the house, you savor every step between you and the front door. You run through everything that led up to now, the moment you met Castiel. The moment you knew you had fallen in love with him. And worst, the moment he had looked to you with no recollection of who you were. You are halfway to the house, when images of Ryan start to form in your head. To say he was a godsend would be the biggest understatement of the last century. He was everything you had needed, a true companion. A kindred spirit, the greatest love story that would never be told, because the two of you had indeed fallen in love with each other, but it was not the kind of love that drove you to places you never thought you’d ever go. You pause at the porch steps. No, that love was taken up by the angel with striking blue eyes and big heart. The angel you had come to face your greatest fear for, who you would die for. _Castiel._

Feeling a surge of motivation and bravery, you walk up the steps and stop at the front door. This was it. Your hand turns the doorknob, it was of course unlocked. Stepping inside, the lights are all on and you are immediately met with a pair of familiar blue eyes. It was Castiel, he was tied up to a chair and his mouth gagged. You gasps at the several lacerations to his chest, his white dress shirt was stain with blood. Knowing well enough that this was trap, you still run toward the man. Kneeling down, you caress his face. His eyes widen, he was trying to tell you something, but the fabric in his mouth muffle his words. Quickly you pull the gag from his mouth, “I’m here, Cas,” you try to reassure him. You hurry to undo the restraints, not knowing when the angels would show themselves.

“You need to leave,” Castiel protest, pulling his hand from the ropes and grabbing you by the shoulders. He tries to stand, but he is too weak and nearly collapses down onto his knees.

You hold him up, “I came to get you, to bring you home.”

“She wants you, please just go,” Cas tries to push off you, but you reinforce the grip you have on his arm.

“I will not leave you, I could never,” you say with so much conviction, Castiel freezes in disbelief.

“But-”

“No, Castiel. I love you, I’ve never stopped loving you,” you finally confess, looking toward the door, hoping to escape without trouble. But Castiel pulls you back using the last of his strength to make you face him.

His eyes are brighter than ever, “I saw you with-”

“Okay, that’s enough,” a familiar voice shouts from the other room, interrupting the moment between Castiel and you.

“Annalise?” you question, trying to hold Castiel up. His arm slides around your waist, gripping tightly as if any moment you’d be ripped from his grasp.

“Y/N,” Annalise moves into the room, holding an angel blade. Your eyes widen with shock at the sight of your oldest friend, her red hair was set in a long braid, resting over her shoulder. She smiles at you and for a brief moment you think everything was going to be fine. But Castiel’s fingers clutch at your waist, jerking you from the relief you felt.

“Wh-what’s going on!” You demand, voice trembling with heartbreak.

“I’ve come to retreive you, love,” she chuckles, as if it was so obvious.

“I don’t understand.”

“You left us. You left home,” bitterness comes tumbling off Annalise’s mouth, as she takes a few steps toward you.

“On your accord! Your advice!” You retort with angry, ignoring the look from Castiel.

“We were suppose to go together!” Annalise screams, storming toward the two of you, making you stumble back. She brings the angel blade to Castiel’s neck and you lunge at her. Castiel falls to the ground, weaken from his wounds. You have Annalise by the shoulders, pushing her into the nearest wall.

“Stop Anna!” You plead, not wanting to hurt her. Tears fill your eyes and Annalise scoffs at the sight.

“You’ve gotten so weak! Look what leaving Heaven has done to you!” She pushes you off her, grabbing the blade from the floor, “I loved you so much, Y/N. And you left. And then you became this legend! Some angels looked up to you, especially that traitor,” Annalise threw a disgust glance at Castiel, who was trying to get up from the floor.

Her words hit you like a ton of bricks and she read your expression well, because she laughs.

“You didn’t know?”

You turn to look at Cas, who was glaring at the red head with anger.

“Our finest warrior, he always had a soft spot for the angel who had rebelled against Heaven. Do you think it’s a coincidence that he had saved you from those angels years ago?”

“Castiel?” you whisper moving to him and helping him up to his feet. He sends you an apologetic glance, but you don’t need it.

“Of course, I’ve kept tabs on you. Watched you over the years, it was truly adorable how you thought you were well hidden,” Annalise laughs, leaning against the banister to the stairs, moving the angel blade from one hand to the other.

“And then you took up with that human, a looker that one. Ryan, right?”

Your heart drops at the mention of his name, afraid for his life. Feeling incredibly guilty for dragging him into this, you look to the angel, “What do you want, Annalise?”

A sly smile appears on her face, “Simple, you are to return to Heaven with me. I need your help, the angels are at war with each other.”

“I don’t want to be part of some pissing contest! I left home to get away from all that shit.”

The smile fades from Annalise mouth and suddenly she’s standing in front of Castiel. And before you can react, she’s pressing the angel blade into his torso. Cas yells in pain, you grab a hold of the blade, halting it from going any further.

You look into your friend’s eyes, a fleeting panic runs through you, “I’ll go. Just leave Castiel alone.”

Annalise grins, removing the blade swiftly, “ I knew you’d come to your senses, love.”

She moves away and walks out the room, giving you a chance to turn to Cas.

“I’m so sorry, Cas,” you attempt to heal his wounds, but notice that he still looks weak, “ This is all my fault.”

Castiel shakes his head, bringing a hand to your face, “Don’t go with her. She’s using you to win a battle that should not be started. And when she’s accomplished that, she will kill you.”

“If I don’t go, she will kill you,” you cry out, slipping your arm around his neck, “I love you, Castiel. I won’t let you die for me.”

You pull away from him, getting a good look at him, “Tell Sam and Dean, I’m sorry.”

Castiel’s eyes gleam with wetness, as he tries to hold back tears, “Don’t do this, Y/N.”

“I have to,” your eyes blur with tears, this could be the last time you ever see Castiel. Not wanting to waste the little time you had left, you press a kiss against his mouth. He does not hesitate , ignoring the pain and leaning into the kiss. It was everything you had hope for, the warmth from his lips travels through your body and right into your heart.

“Enough of the goodbyes, let’s go love,” Annalise is standing by the stairs, looking ever so smug.

Sighing, you lean your forehead against Castiel’s, “I love you.”

Castiel presses his thumb against your cheek, “I love you, too.”

With all the strength you could muster, you move from the angel.

“Alright, Anna.” You don’t dare to look back at Cas, knowing you wouldn’t be able to leave if you do.

“Cheer up, love. This is going to be fun and don’t worry your traitor angel is safe,” she tucks her angel blade into her jacket, reaching out her hand to you. Closing your eyes for a moment, letting out a low sigh as you reach for her hand.

Then suddenly, the whole room is filled up with a blinding white light. Instinctively, you kneel down and shut your eyes. A feral scream fills your ears, it was Annalise. Opening your eyes, you turn to see where Castiel was, afraid he was hurt too.

And then you see it, Castiel’s true form. It’s the most beautiful sight you have ever seen, the real Castiel. His wings were long, feathery and black. Of the four faces he has, only one looks somewhat human. Your heart flutters at the true form of the angel you love, it nearly matches your own. You want to go to him, bury yourself into him, but the light slowly starts to dim. Your head whips to Annalise, who has fallen to the ground, eyes burnt out. Black charred wings out lined around her dead vessel. The light completely fades and Castiel is on the ground, his chest heaving heavily. You rush to him, moving his head to your lap.

“Castiel!”

Tears fall from your eyes, determine to use your grace to heal him. Your palm caresses his forehead, the grace flowing from you to him. It seeps down his entire body, but it’s not working. You sob, shoulders tremble as you push the grace out of you. Push it out over and over again, for what seems like an entire hour. Every molecule in your body yells to not give up, to keep pushing. And you do, with tears streaming down your face and sobs echoing throughout the empty mansion, your grace flows into Castiel.

You lean down into his chest, resting your head against his blood soaked shirt, “Come on, Cas. Please don’t leave me.”

Clutching at his trench coat, your tears damp his shirt, “I rather die than be without you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Y/N,” Castiel’s voice is groggy, but he’s awake.

Looking up from his chest, you choke out a cry of relief. He pulls you up, letting you linger above his body. His eyes peer into yours, a smile on his face, “I love you.”

......

One year later…

You sway back and forth, Ryan holds you close to him. The live band is playing a Billie Holiday song, the singer’s voice almost as sweet as the man holding you. Ryan presses a kiss on your forehead, his hand squeezes yours.

“Look at us, two damaged people finally whole again,” Ryan jokes.

“You have such a way with words, Ryan,” you tease.

“Yeah, well Vanessa likes it.”

“That’s why I like her so much, she’s like me. We have excellent taste in men,” Ryan laughs, as you scan the room immediately spotting the blue eyed angel. He was dressed in a dark blue two piece suit, smiling right at you.

“I owe you big time. If it wasn’t for you, I would have never asked her out.”

You lean against Ryan’s chest, sighing in contentment. Feeling elated that Ryan found love with the preschool teacher, happy to be dancing with him at his wedding.

“Ryan, mind if I cut in?” Castiel appears at your side.

Ryan grins, “Of course, I have a bride to go dance with.”

You smile as Ryan walks away and Castiel takes his place. His hands move to your waist, pulling you into his body. Your hand slides around his neck, resting your head on his chest. The two of you dance to the slow song, enjoying being in each other’s presence.

After healing Cas with your grace that night, the two of you went back to the bunker and straight to your bedroom. The night was still young as the two of you fell onto the bed.

_“Tell me something, Cas,” your eyelids flutter with tiredness, “How did you get your grace back?”_

_Castiel pulls you into his arms, his shirt red from dried blood, but at that point it did not matter._

_“Hannah, she helped me get it back. She’s trying to get Heaven back in order, I offered to help in exchange for my grace.”_

_“And now?”_

_“And now, I’m free to do what I want. I paid my duties to the others,” Castiel murmurs softly._

_“Good, I’m tired Cas.”_

_“Let’s sleep.”_

_He held you close, as the two of you fell into a deep sleep._

_In the morning, Sam and Dean had gotten up in a huff, wondering where the hell you were. They ran into your room, both startled at the sight of the two angels in bed. You were snuggled into Cas, his arm around you protectively. The brothers smile at each other, slowly backing out of the room and closing the door shut._

_“We got them both back,” Dean smirks smugly._

_“We didn’t do anything, Dean,” Sam points out, but his brother ignores him walking away with a smile on his face._

The song came to an end and the two of you leave the dance floor hand in hand. Making your way back to the table, you look at your angel.

“It’s getting late, what do you say the two of us head out?”

Castiel’s face softens as he nods yes. Grabbing your jacket, the two of you walk over to Ryan and Vanessa. Saying your goodbyes and promises to visit real soon, Ryan pulls you aside.

“See you soon?” He asks, giving you a warm hug.

“Of course, Cas and I did say we’d cover the bookstore while the two of you go on your honeymoon,” you pull on Ryan’s tuxedo jacket, “ So I’ll see you in a couple of days.”

Ryan’s mouth forms a small smile, “What would I do without you?”

The two of you hug once more, before Cas and you leave the venue. Once outside, you tug at Castiel’s arm. He narrows his eyes at you, filling the space between the two of you.

“I have an idea,” you proposal.

A moment later, the two of you were on the rooftop of your old apartment in Seattle. The city was alive down on the street, people walking, their voices gracing your ears. Castiel sighs with delight, taking in the landscape, his eyes marvel at the lights.

“This place is perfect,” he says.

“It’s only perfect, because we are here together,” you affirm.

Castiel hums in agreement, pulling you in front of him, hugging you from behind. You lean back into his chest and his head rests on your shoulder. There is soft music coming from the club across the street, the two of you sway slowly to the song. It had taken years to get to this point in your life, hell centuries for you to finally feel happy. True happiness. True family with the Winchesters and true love with Castiel. The two of you stay up on the roof the whole night, until the sun starts to rise and even then neither of you want to move from the roof. The sun’s warmth hits your face as Castiel places a kiss on your neck. He whispers in Enochian that he loves you and that nothing could ever change that. Closing your eyes, you whisper all the words back to him, it was the first time in years that you spoke in your native language. And it never felt more right.

_“I can help you keep safe. My friends can help.”_

_Your eyes met his and you knew he was sincere. Sighing in resolution, you nod. Moving closer to him, you hold out your hand._

_“I’m Y/N.”_

_The blue eyed angel smiles, taking your hand in his, “I’m Castiel”._

**Author's Note:**

> Comments/Suggestions are welcomed!


End file.
